Let me first put some scenarios out there:
Regular shouting matches.
Frustration on not being listened to.
Regularly hearing, "Mom, I'm not a child anymore!"
"But all my friends are going!" or "But my friend's parents are letting her go"
Leading to scary trust exercises.
And very often asking "God, What do I do to get her to listen to me?"
Do you have teenage children? If yes, then you can very well relate to most of these scenarios. Today, I've brought you 8 tried and tested methods how you can get your teenage children to listen to you.
Follow these pointers, and with a little bit of time and patience, you will definitely see the change in your relationship with your teens.
Why Don't Teenagers Listen?
First of all, to understand the solution, you need to know the actual problem. In other words, you need to understand why teens Do Not listen to you.
1) Because WE don't listen to them.
Ever heard of the line, "Always behave with others in the way you want them to behave with you"?
Same goes for teenagers. If they don't see you listening to them when they are trying to convey their feelings, they will not listen when you try to talk to them.
Try listening quietly when they are talking and they will reciprocate. Do not EVER cut them off while they are talking.
2) We're not practicing what we preach.
Try telling a small child to brush their teeth twice a day when they see that you don't do the same. What do you think is he going to reply? He will ask, "If it's so important, why don't you do it?"
As much as we would hate it, It is a true fact that children learn by watching you, not by listening to you. So if you expect your teen to keep his room clean, do the same yourself first.
3) They're trying to prove themselves.
Teens crave the praise and acceptance of adults. So if they see that you don't think they're worthy, they'll find a way to prove otherwise.
The time that your daughter almost set the kitchen on fire? Yes, she was trying to make something special for you and prove to you that she could cook like the neighbor's daughter that you praised the day before.
4) We want to fix everything.
Remember the time your child came to you saying he had a fight? Or someone bullied him? Did you jump to the rescue and try to talk to the teacher? Or worse, had a fight with the other boy's parent?
If yes, you can forget that your teen will come to share his problems with you. Sometimes, we need to just be there for them and listen. We need to understand that they don't always come to us for getting their problems fixed. Most of the times, they want to just share what happened.
If they come to you for advice, give them a couple options but let them make the decision and solve their own problems.
5) We don't pay attention to what matters to them.
Have you ever been disturbed while you were doing some office work or drafting an important e-mail? Or you had to disconnect a client's call halfway to see what the annoying kid wants?
How do you think your teen feels when he is doing something and you call him to help you with household chores? Solving a puzzle or talking to a friend on the phone might seem really frivolous to us, but you can bet that it's very important to them.
So the next time your child is in the middle of a video game, almost about to win, and you want to call him to dinner, WAIT. Wait for them to finish before saying "Come here right now!"
Of course we can't do that when the child is halfway through a five hundred piece puzzle. So in this case, give them a time frame. Say something like "You need to come down to eat in 10 minutes."
How to get them to listen?
Now that we have that out of the way, we know why the teens have trouble listening to us. Let's look at a few ways that you can change that.
1) Try not to point at them.
When you point at someone, they get defensive. They will try every way they know to argue with you, defend themselves, and get away from the conversation as fast as possible.
When telling the teen to clean their room, instead of pointing a finger at the untidy room, use an open palm. It will look much less offensive and still get the point across.
2) Stay Calm.
Try not to get into shouting matches with your teen. No matter what, if you raise your voice, they will do the same and no one will get their point across. Make it a point to always stay calm.
Remember, They will be much more receptive to a calmly said statement rather than a shouted one.
3) Wait for the right time.
If you try to talk to them while they are doing something, you will find that they have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.
Same goes for if they are irritated or frustrated about something. If you try to have a talk with them about their behavior when they are already annoyed, you're more likely to get a back answer than a receptive teen on your hands.
So wait for the right time when they are free of all sorts of distractions, so they can hear what you have to say.
4) Respect them as individuals.
We have to accept that they are their own little people. They have a mind of their own and their own choices. We can't impose our choices or decisions on them. Also, it's hypocritical of us if we ask them to respect us but do not treat them with respect.
Bottom line is, Respect them as separate individuals, and they will respect you back.
5) Stay on track.
It often happens that while discussing something with your teen, you grow frustrated and all the past frustration comes pouring out. You start yelling at them for everything from getting late to an important conference last week to that spoiled dinner party last month.
This results in a downward spiral as a shouting match ensues. At the end, the main subject is pushed to the side and the argument becomes about whose fault was the spoiled dinner party!
Your teen will then just wait for you to stop yelling so they can get away.
So stay on track. No matter how frustrated you get or how much your child tries to change the topic.
6) Make sure they know you trust them.
A teen who thinks that you don't trust them will never be comfortable with talking to you about what's bothering them. In fact, spying on your teen will prove to be counterproductive as they will start hiding more things from you. It might be because they think you will blame them for their problems or because they in turn have stopped trusting you.
Find ways to let them know that you trust them. Let them go to the party/night out/ get together (as long as it's in a safe location of course). Give them choices and let them know that you trust them to make the right decisions.
This will increase your teen's trust in you and soon they will start confiding in you.
7) Just listen.
How many times have you wanted to tell something to your dad but were afraid of how he will react?
This can be a quite difficult thing for many of us. Usually, when a child comes to us to share something, our parent alarm goes off. We want to protect them from the big bad world outside and solve all their problems for them.
But what we don't realize is, if we react, we will scare off the child from coming to us next time. Try to silently just listen to them, instead of reacting in any way. This will tell them that it is okay. Next time they want to tell you something, they won't be afraid of how you will react.
8) Don't try to force them to talk.
This especially happens when the parents see that their teen is more comfortable talking to her aunt than her parents. This causes them to try to force her to share things with them whenever possible.
Trust me, this will not lead to the teen talking to you. In fact, ironically, it will push her further away and she will just always want to get out of the conversation as fast as possible.
We need to just let our teens know that we're there for them, whenever they want to talk. We need to have their backs, but from enough of a distance that they have breathing space. Just follow the 7 earlier points, have a bit of patience, and you will never feel the need to force anything out of your teen.
Conclusion
Teenage is a very difficult stage, not only for parents, but also for the teens themselves. They're figuring out their likes, dislikes and who they are as individuals. Parents need to stay behind them to support them through this phase of their life without making them feel like we're constantly breathing down their necks. Done correctly, this will lead to a close friendship between the teen and his/her parents.